NEW YORK (AP) — A lot of work goes into making a household run smoothly, and the thread that runs through all the labor is money. It’s money that makes it possible to fix a broken appliance, enroll the kids in summer camp and save up to replace the aging car. The mental load of money can be heavy. It’s made up of those endless invisible tasks we engage in, and the future tasks we lie awake at night thinking about.
“I think it is important to mention the emotional weight that comes with worrying about money. Do we have enough for rent next month? Are we saving enough for college?” Kate Mangino, author of “Equal Partners: Improving Gender Equality at Home,” said in an email. “Those kinds of worries tend to chip away at our emotional health, especially if we think our partner doesn’t share this worry, and we’re alone in carrying that weight.”
When it comes to the mental load of managing financial responsibilities, couples can fall into unproductive patterns that can lead to conflict, resentment and even willful ignorance. If money management feels unbalanced in your relationship, here are some ways to rethink your routine.
APPROACH MONEY AS EQUALS
If one person takes on most or all money tasks, there can be a tendency to fall into a manager/follower dynamic, which can create a power imbalance in your relationship.
Additionally, when one person is in charge and the other does tasks as assigned without understanding the full picture, it can leave that second person in the dark. “The person who is ‘spared’ having to think about this stuff will become less financially literate over time,” Scott Rick, author of “Tightwads and Spendthrifts: Navigating the Money Minefield in Real Relationships,” said in an email. “This will leave them especially vulnerable if the relationship ends, either through divorce or the death of their partner.”
Equality doesn’t mean each person must be 50% responsible for every task, or even that you each take on 50% of tasks, but rather that you acknowledge that you have an equal stake in your shared success.
LIST AND ASSIGN MONEY TASKS
Schedule a money date or two to make a comprehensive financial to-do list. Who is responsible for which task currently, and how did it become their responsibility? Should any of these tasks be switched to the other person? Is anything not getting done?
Break down each task into a list of subtasks. Let’s say you both want to work with a financial planner, and one of you takes responsibility for finding one. Those subtasks can be:
— Get three names of financial planners that meet your shared requirements (such as a fee-only planner, or someone with specific professional credentials).
— Contact those planners to inquire whether they’re taking on new clients.
— Schedule consultations at a time that’s also convenient for your spouse or partner, and prepare any needed financial documents in advance of those meetings.
“It is important to recognize that managing money is only one of many tasks required to run a household, so these types of conversations should not happen in isolation,” Brian Page, founder of Modern Husbands, a community that shares ideas to manage money and the home as a team, said in an email. “Be considerate of the other household burdens you each tackle.”
OWN YOUR TASKS FROM START TO FINISH
As you list your tasks, discuss what “done” looks like for each. Set parameters, a budget and other expectations. Then, you each select tasks to accomplish on your own, with periodic check-ins.
Some tasks are complicated, but take them one step at a time. This is not the time for weaponized incompetence (though, in a partnership, it’s never a good move to feign incompetence to get out of a responsibility). If you’re stuck on a subtask, you can talk about it when you check in with each other.
“Remember — everything money related is a skill, and skills can be learned. There’s no ‘I’m just bad with money’ excuse,” Mangino said. “You just need to prioritize learning that skill, and practice. And practice. And in time, you get better.”
This column was provided to The Associated Press by the personal finance website NerdWallet. Sara Rathner is a writer at NerdWallet. Email: srathner@nerdwallet.com. Twitter: @SaraKRathner.
RELATED LINKS:
NerdWallet: How My Fiance and I Reconciled Our Relationships With Money https://bit.ly/nerdwallet-how-to-talk-money-with-your-partner
FILE - The likeness of Benjamin Franklin is seen on U.S. $100 bills, Thursday, July 14, 2022, in Marple Township, Pa. When it comes to the mental load of managing financial tasks, couples can fall into unproductive patterns that can lead to conflict, resentment and even willful ignorance. But by balancing these tasks with other household responsibilities, partners can each take ownership of occasional tasks such as doing taxes or adjusting investments, and day-to-day decisions such as budgeting and spending. (AP Photo/Matt Slocum, File)
DEDHAM, Mass. (AP) — The trial of a Massachusetts woman who allegedly killed her Boston police officer boyfriend by intentionally driving her SUV into him opened Monday with prosecutors saying a cracked taillight and her own words to firefighters that she "hit him" will prove she is guilty.
Karen Read, 44, of Mansfield, faces several charges including second degree murder in the death of John O’Keefe, 46, in 2022. The 16-year police veteran was found unresponsive outside a home of a fellow Boston police officer and later was pronounced dead at a hospital. Read has pleaded not guilty and is free on bond.
“The defendant, Karen Read, is guilty of murder in the second degree, striking the victim, Mr. O’Keefe with her car, knocking him back onto the ground, striking his head on the ground, causing the bleeding in his brain and swelling, and then leaving him there for several hours in a blizzard," Assistant District Attorney Adam Lally told the jury.
As the case unfolded, the defense's strategy has been to portray a vast conspiracy involving a police coverup. It has earned Read a loyal band of supporters — who often can be found camped out at the courthouse — and has garnered the case national attention.
“Karen Read was framed,” Read's defense attorney David Yannetti told the jury. “Her car never struck John O'Keefe. She did not cause his death and that means somebody else did.”
The couple had been to two bars on a night in January 2022, prosecutors alleged, and were then headed to a party in nearby Canton. Read said she did not feel well and decided not to attend. Once at the home, O’Keefe got out of Read's vehicle, and while she made a three-point turn, she allegedly struck him then drove away, prosecutors said.
Prosecutors haven't said where they think she went after that. However, they allege she later became frantic after she said she couldn't reach O'Keefe. She returned to the site of the party where she and two friends found O’Keefe covered in snow. While on the scene, firefighters said she told them “I hit him, I hit him, I hit him.”
He was pronounced dead at a hospital. An autopsy concluded he died from head trauma and hypothermia.
Investigators found a cracked right rear tail light near where O'Keefe was found and scratches on her SUV. Prosecutors are also expected to present evidence of injuries suffered by O'Keefe consistent with him being hit by the car and strains in the couples relationship including a “20 minute screaming match” witnessed by O'Keefe's two adopted children they had while on vacation in Aruba.
The defense have spent months arguing in court that the case was marred by conflicts of interest and accused prosecutors of presenting false and deceptive evidence to the grand jury. In a motion to dismiss the case, the defense called the prosecution's case “predicated entirely on flimsy speculation and presumption.” A Superior Court judge denied the request.
On Monday, Yannetti argued that close relationships between investigators and those in the house resulted in authorities focusing solely on Reid, whom the defense described as a “convenient outsider.”
Yannetti also claimed investigators failed to consider the possibility that O'Keefe got into a fight at the party and was left for dead outside. While not offering evidence of who was responsible, they laid out of a series of missteps in the investigation — failing to investigate a history of animosity between O'Keefe and the family who owned the home nor searching the home for evidence of a struggle.
They also are expected to provide evidence that Read's taillight was damaged when she hit O'Keefe's car hours later at their home — not at the party — and dispute that the couple had a strained relationship. They got along well that night and had made plans for several trips in the months ahead.
“You will question the Commonwealth's theory of the case,” Yannetti said. “You will question the quality of the Commonwealth's evidence. You will question the veracity of the Commonwealth's witnesses and you will question their shoddy and biased investigation.”
In August, Norfolk District Attorney Michael Morrissey criticized suggestions that state and local enforcement were orchestrating a cover up, saying there is no evidence to support O'Keefe was in the Canton home where the party took place nor was in a fight.
The idea that multiple police departments and his office would be involved in a “vast conspiracy” in this case is “a desperate attempt to reassign guilt.”
Such comments have done little to silence Read's supporters, dozens of whom dressed in pink for the first day of the trial.
Most days, a few dozen supporters — some carrying signs or wearing shirts reading “Free Karen Read” — can be seen standing near the courthouse. Many had no connection to Read, who worked in the financial industry and taught finance at Bentley University before this case.
Among her most ardent supporters is a confrontational blogger Aidan Timothy Kearney, known as “Turtleboy." He has been charged with harassing, threatening and intimidating witnesses in the case. For months, he has raised doubts about Read's guilt on his blog that has become a popular page for those who believe Read is innocent.
Friends and family of O’Keefe fear the focus on Read and the conspiracy theories are taking away from the fact a good man was killed.
The first witness in the trial was O'Keefe's brother, Paul, who described in harrowing detail having to rush to the hospital that morning, walking past Read who was repeatedly screaming “Is he alive?" and into a room where his body was covered partially with a white sheet.
“He was pretty banged up,” Paul O'Keefe told the jury, detailing how his brother had blood running down his mouth and nose and markings on his right arm. “What really stood out to me was the eyes. It was as if there were ping pong balls under his eyelids.”
FILE - Karen Read sits in court during jury selection for her murder trial at Norfolk County Superior Court, Wednesday, April 17, 2024, in Dedham, Mass. Read, 44, is accused of running into her Boston police officer boyfriend with her SUV in the middle of a nor'easter and leaving him for dead after a night of heavy drinking. Read's trial is scheduled to begin Monday, April 29. (David McGlynn//New York Post via AP, Pool,File)
FILE - Karen Read, of Mansfield, Mass., center, departs Norfolk Superior Court following a day of jury selection, April 17, 2024, in Dedham, Mass. Read is accused of running into her Boston police officer boyfriend with her SUV in the middle of a nor'easter and leaving him for dead after a night of heavy drinking. Read's trial is scheduled to begin Monday, April 29. (AP Photo/Steven Senne, File)
FILE - This undated photograph provided by the Boston Police Department shows Officer John O'Keefe of Canton, Mass. O'Keefe was found dead outside the home of a fellow officer in January 2022, and his girlfriend, Karen Read, has been charged with his death. Read's trial is scheduled to begin Monday, April 29, 2024. (Boston Police Department via AP, File)
Assistant District Attorney Adam Lally gives his opening statement as the murder trial for Karen Read begins in Norfolk County Superior Court, Monday, April 29, 2024, in Dedham, Mass. Read is accused of backing her SUV into her Boston Police officer boyfriend, John O'Keefe, and leaving him to die in a blizzard in Canton, in 2022. (Pat Greenhouse/The Boston Globe via AP, Pool)
Judge Beverly J. Cannone addresses the jury before opening statements for the murder trial of Karen Read in Norfolk County Superior Court, Monday, Aapril 29, 2024, in Dedham, Mass. Read is accused of backing her SUV into her Boston Police officer boyfriend, John O'Keefe, and leaving him to die in a blizzard in Canton, in 2022. (Pat Greenhouse/The Boston Globe via AP, Pool)
The facts of the case against Karen Read are read as the murder trial for Read begins in Norfolk County Superior Court, in front of Judge Beverly J. Cannone., Monday, April 29, 2024, in Dedham, Mass. Read is accused of backing her SUV into her Boston Police officer boyfriend, John O'Keefe, and leaving him to die in a blizzard in Canton, in 2022. (Pat Greenhouse/The Boston Globe via AP, Pool)
Karen Read talks with lawyer David Yannetti in court during jury selection at Norfolk County Superior Court, Wednesday, April 17, 2024, in Dedham, Mass. Read, 44, is accused of running into her Boston police officer boyfriend with her SUV in the middle of a nor'easter and leaving him for dead after a night of heavy drinking. (David McGlynn/New York Post via AP, Pool)
Karen Read departs Norfolk Superior Court following a day of jury selection, Wednesday, April 17, 2024, in Dedham, Mass. Read is accused of running into her Boston police officer boyfriend with her SUV in the middle of a nor'easter and leaving him for dead after a night of heavy drinking. (AP Photo/Steven Senne)
Karen Read, center, departs Norfolk Superior Court following a day of jury selection, Wednesday, April 17, 2024, in Dedham, Mass. Read is accused of running into her Boston police officer boyfriend with her SUV in the middle of a nor'easter and leaving him for dead after a night of heavy drinking. (AP Photo/Steven Senne)
Karen Read sits in court during jury selection at Norfolk County Superior Court, Wednesday, April 17, 2024, in Dedham, Mass. Read, 44, is accused of running into her Boston police officer boyfriend with her SUV in the middle of a nor'easter and leaving him for dead after a night of heavy drinking. (David McGlynn/New York Post via AP, Pool)
Karen Read sits in court during jury selection at Norfolk County Superior Court, Wednesday, April 17, 2024, in Dedham, Mass. Read, 44, is accused of running into her Boston police officer boyfriend with her SUV in the middle of a nor'easter and leaving him for dead after a night of heavy drinking. (David McGlynn/New York Post via AP, Pool)
Karen Read talks with lawyers in court during jury selection at Norfolk County Superior Court, Wednesday, April 17, 2024, in Dedham, Mass. Read, 44, is accused of running into her Boston police officer boyfriend with her SUV in the middle of a nor'easter and leaving him for dead after a night of heavy drinking. (David McGlynn/New York Post via AP, Pool)
Karen Read departs Norfolk Superior Court following a day of jury selection, Wednesday, April 17, 2024, in Dedham, Mass. Read is accused of running into her Boston police officer boyfriend with her SUV in the middle of a nor'easter and leaving him for dead after a night of heavy drinking. (AP Photo/Steven Senne)
