NEW YORK (AP) — While reflecting on what we’re thankful for during the holiday season, we often focus on the external: the company of loved ones. The nourishment of a shared meal. The homes in which we gather.
But how often do we turn the lens of gratitude toward ourselves?
It’s fairly uncommon, because people generally are more comfortable expressing gratefulness to others. But psychologists say taking the time to thank ourselves for the qualities that carried us through life can be healthy and important, even if doing it feels awkward or arouses fears of appearing egotistical.
One reason self-gratitude doesn't come naturally: the human brain evolved to look for problems and dwell on the negative when everyday life required an awareness of immediate dangers, said Kristin Neff, associate professor in the educational psychology department at the University of Texas, Austin.
Our ancestors who kicked back and relaxed were more likely to be eaten by lions, while the ones who dwelled on where the lions might be tomorrow were more likely to survive, Neff said.
“It’s not that it’s hard to do, but we have to overcome the natural tendency of the brain to always be looking for problems as a way of staying safe,” she said.
If people spent five minutes a day looking at themselves with compassion, their days would be different, said Maryanna Klatt, director of the Center for Integrative Health at Ohio State University. She recommended acknowledging our strengths, but also our challenges, which we can view as opportunities that may lead us to a place we never would have discovered.
In this story, several people approached in parks share what they appreciate about themselves.
Lorenzo Cruz, 26, grew up in the Dominican Republic, where he recently earned a bachelor's degree in business before moving to Boston.
As a child, he experienced not having basic necessities, but as a teenager he moved and had a more comfortable life which enabled him to travel, receive an education and expand his perspective, he said.
“I’m grateful for the rough childhood I had because that made me appreciate so many different things that I’ve noticed people don’t look at or don’t appreciate enough," Cruz said. "The way I see life, I’m grateful for that.”
To express thanks to himself, Cruz gives himself permission “to go for that trip, to binge watch that show, to go have fun at the bar, to eat that pizza at 12 a.m. I think we all tend to judge and put too much pressure on ourselves. Sometimes I just have to give myself a break and thank me for everything.”
As a single mother in her 40s, Ana Anitoaie appreciates the way she manages her family life and gives back to her community through teaching.
“I’m an immigrant. I came to the United States in 1995, and I’m really grateful for being on-task and following my education, and I have achieved so much by myself. I help my family back in Europe,” said Anitoaie, a secondary school math teacher.
“Today’s society is not really looking for what we’re grateful for," Anitoaie said. "I think we should practice that more and we’ll be living in a happier Earth.”
Lara Furac, a primary school teacher who lives in Switzerland, is thankful for her courage and caring for others. She was in New York attending a bartending class with the goal of switching careers.
“I’m very grateful that I’m someone who gives everyone a fair chance, and I’m not scared to open up to people and meet new people,” said Furac, 29. “I always said I’m not scared to make steps in life that are uncomfortable to some, but for me, the most important thing in life is that I can look back one day and be like, yes, I really lived, and I’m grateful that I really tried to do that, even if it’s scary sometimes and if it means something new, but also saying goodbye to something you know. I’m grateful that I’m brave enough to do that.”
Jose Santiago, a student at Mercy University in New York, recognizes his optimism as an asset. "You know, I don’t see the negative or anything,” the 18 year old said. “I always see the situation as a way to get better. I always see each day as a blessing because someone didn’t get to wake up today.”
“I express gratitude to myself in sometimes just the way I get ready for the day and the way I approach it,” he said. If he's in a bad mood, he starts his day "with a nice shower, go through a skin care routine, hair care routine, maybe play a certain song that makes me think of a good memory in my life, back to when I was a child.”
As an actor in New York City, Joe Osheroff, 54, is "grateful for my persistence when it pays off. And by payoff, I mean if I’m able to do things in life, in my career, and outside of my career that are fulfilling and justify all the parts of it that are difficult.”
To thank himself, Osheroff takes time to slow down and sit in the park, especially with a good cup of coffee. He also searches for small treasures at antique shops, enjoying browsing even if he doesn't buy anything.
Souzanne Eng, who retired from the fashion industry, said she always appreciates what the higher powers have given her, “but I never really say to myself, ’You know, a lot of these things, it’s because I put them in action.”
“I’m grateful that I am kind. I’m grateful that I’m good to people. I am grateful that I am patient,” Eng said. “Grateful that I am able to put in action, to go for it. I’ve always been a goal-oriented person, and I never let things stop me. So I guess I’m grateful for those attributes.”
Dea Shpati, an accountant, said she doesn't excel at physical activity, but “I am grateful that I try to take care of my body, especially by nutrition. I’m really grateful that I do that."
“I push myself to walk or to run or to exercise, but for the eating part, it comes naturally and for that I’m grateful,” said Shpati, 24.
“I’m grateful that I want to work. I would hate if I don’t have a job. I’m grateful that I have the desire to do so, to earn for myself and to contribute in the family budget.”
College friends Emily Milner, 33, and Meagan Hicks, 32, were walking together during a visit in New York.
“I like to show gratitude to myself by just giving myself thought time, and in that time, I thank my past self for my current life,” said Milner, a marketing professional who lives in Sedalia, Colorado.
“In a lot of ways we live in a self-deprecating society, and when you care for other people, you don’t have to reflect inwards, because that’s a difficult thing to do,” Milner said. “So people use caring about other people and being grateful for other people as a way to avoid introspection."
“It is the greatest form of self-love, giving gratitude to yourself,” Hicks said.
Send your wellness questions and story ideas to cbussewitz@ap.org. Follow AP’s Be Well coverage, focusing on wellness, fitness, diet and mental health at https://apnews.com/hub/be-well.
(AP Illustration / Peter Hamlin)
