It’s often said there is a thin line between love and hate, but is it OK to sometimes hate your long-term partner? If you ask actress Jamie Lee Curtis, it’s practically necessary.
Asked about the secret to her 40-year marriage to actor Christopher Guest, she recently said the key includes patience, perseverance and “a really good dose of hatred.”
“All of a sudden you literally want to hate each other. And then the next day, it’s a pretty, sunny day, and the dog does something cute or your child does something cute, and you look at each other and you’re like, ‘Aw, gosh,’” Curtis told Entertainment Tonight after picking up an Emmy Award for her role in “The Bear." “And you’re on another track.”
Relationship experts say it’s normal for couples to experience moments of what feels like genuine hatred. The difference between couples who last and those who don’t can lie in how they handle their emotions in those moments.
“Hating the person you love is the most common thing in the world,” said Jane Greer, a marriage and family therapist and author of “Am I Lying to Myself? How to Overcome Denial and See the Truth." “We think we’re supposed to love our partner all the time unconditionally, but that’s not the way it works.”
Stereotypical annoyances, like leaving the toilet seat up or cluttering the floor with shoes, accumulate when left unaddressed, said Terri Orbuch, a sociology professor at Oakland University and author of “Five Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great.”
To prevent pet peeves from growing into a bigger problem, it’s important to “sweat the small stuff,” said Orbuch, who in her research has followed hundreds of couples over the course of 36 years.
“What starts out as a small, irritating habit becomes, ‘You’re not listening to me. You don’t love me. Maybe we’re not right for one another, and I hate you,’” she said.
Criticizing an issue in the moment, however, isn’t the best approach, Orbuch said. Find a good time and situation to discuss it: away from kids and not right after work, just before leaving for the day or while tired in bed.
Orbuch recommended opening the discussion with positives, then using what she called an XYZ statement. For instance, give examples that show you know they are a great partner overall, such as being a wonderful friend or being good to your mother. Then, follow with: when you do X (throw your clothes on the floor) in situation Y (instead of in the hamper), I feel Z (frustrated).
Then follow with: “Can we talk about that?”
Calling out a specific behavior helps your spouse or partner process the issue better than if you had accused them of having a character flaw, such as, “You’re such a slob.”
“We box that person in where they don’t know what to say or what to change to alleviate the frustration,” Orbuch said.
Greer said a great way to help hateful moments dissipate faster is to build up a reservoir of positive emotions. Take note not only of aspects of your partner that you adore, but also why they make you feel good.
If your partner gives you flowers, for example, instead of simply thanking them, let them know how you felt when you received them. Saying you appreciate the flowers because it showed they had listened to something you needed helps to reinforce those positive emotions, she said.
“When you’re feeling the love, it’s important to label it,” Greer said. “It’s important to say, ‘You know what, I’m having a love-you moment.’”
Albert Stumm writes about food, travel and wellness. Find his work at https://www.albertstumm.com.
FILE - A couple sits by the lake in Cismigiu park, in Bucharest, Romania on April 24, 2024. (AP Photo/Vadim Ghirda, File)
(AP Illustration/Annie Ng)
CRANS-MONTANA, Switzerland (AP) — In the aftermath of a fire inside a Swiss Alpine bar that killed 40 people celebrating the new year, survivors, friends and family members, the region’s top authorities and even Pope Leo have spoken to the public in remarks in French, Italian, German and English, reflecting the tradition of Swiss multilingualism.
Another 119 people were injured in the blaze early Thursday as it ripped through the busy Le Constellation bar at the ski resort of Crans-Montana, authorities said. It was one of the deadliest tragedies in Switzerland’s history.
Investigators said Friday that they believe sparkling candles atop Champagne bottles ignited the fatal fire when they came too close to the ceiling of the crowded bar.
Here’s a look at what people said in the wake of the disaster:
— “I’m looking everywhere. The body of my son is somewhere,” Laetitia Brodard told reporters Friday in Crans-Montana as she searched for her son, 16-year-old Arthur. “I want to know, where is my child, and be by his side. Wherever that may be, be it in the intensive care unit or the morgue.”
— “We were bringing people out, people were collapsing. We were doing everything we could to save them, we helped as many as we could. We saw people screaming, running,” Marc-Antoine Chavanon, 14, told The Associated Press in Crans-Montana on Friday, recounting how he rushed to the bar to help the injured. “There was one of our friends: She was struggling to get out, she was all burned. You can’t imagine the pain I saw.”
— “It was hard to live through for everyone. Also probably because everyone was asking themselves, ‘Was my child, my cousin, someone from the region at this party?’” Eric Bonvin, general director of the regional hospital in Sion that took in dozens of injured people, told AP on Friday. “This place was very well known as somewhere to celebrate the new year,” Bonvin said. “Also, seeing young people arrive — that’s always traumatic.”
— “I have seen horror, and I don’t know what else would be worse than this,” Gianni Campolo, a Swiss 19-year-old who was in Crans-Montana on vacation and rushed to the bar to help first responders, told France's TF1 television.
—“You will understand that the priority today is truly placed on identification, in order to allow the families to begin their mourning,” Beatrice Pilloud, the Valais region's attorney general, told reporters Friday during a news conference in Sion.
Pope Leo said in a telegram Friday to the bishop of Sion that he " wishes to express his compassion and concern to the relatives of the victims. He prays that the Lord will welcome the deceased into His abode of peace and light, and will sustain the courage of those who suffer in their hearts or in their bodies.”
— “We have numerous accounts of heroic actions, one could say of very strong solidarity in the moment,” Cantonal head of government Mathias Reynard told RTS radio Friday. "In the first minutes it was citizens — and in large part young people — who saved lives with their courage.”
— “Switzerland is a strong country not because it is sheltered from drama, but because it knows how to face them with courage and a spirit of mutual help," Swiss President Guy Parmelin, speaking on his first day in the position that changes hands annually, told reporters Thursday.
People bring flowers near the sealed off Le Constellation bar in Crans-Montana, Swiss Alps, Switzerland, Friday, Jan. 2, 2026, where a devastating fire left dead and injured during the New Year's celebrations. (AP Photo/ Antonio Calanni)
A woman holding a stuffed animal, whose daughter is missing, gather with others near the sealed-off Le Constellation bar in Crans-Montana, Switzerland, Friday, Jan. 2, 2026, where a devastating fire left dead and injured during the New Year's celebrations. (AP Photo/Baz Ratner)
People light candles near the sealed off Le Constellation bar in Crans-Montana, Swiss Alps, Switzerland, Friday, Jan. 2, 2026, where a devastating fire left dead and injured during the New Year's celebrations. (AP Photo/ Antonio Calanni)
