Her kidnapped son was killed in a Gaza tunnel. A new memoir gives a searing account of her grief

JERUSALEM (AP) — When Hersh Goldberg-Polin was in the tunnels in Gaza, fellow hostages say he often quoted a line from Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl: “Those who have a ‘why’ to live can bear with almost any ‘how.’”

Through his long months in captivity, family and friends hoped that, like Frankl, he would come back with a message of hope. Then, in August 2024, after nearly a year in captivity, he and five other hostages were shot dead by their captors deep underground, likely as Israeli forces were closing in.

The quest for his why has fallen to his family, who led a high-profile campaign for his release. His mother, Rachel Goldberg-Polin, has a new book released Tuesday.

“When We See You Again” has no narrative arc, no tidy uplifting message, no score settling with the Hamas militants who killed her son or the Israeli leaders who many blamed for his death — only a searing account of her grief.

She hasn’t yet decided whether the book is an exceptionally painful love story, or a love-filled pain story.

“I’m still trying to figure out with clarity what is my why, but it’s clear to me that my why is not done,” Goldberg-Polin said, a photo of a smiling Hersh behind her. “I just really wanted to tell the truth. It’s very ugly.”

Hersh was among the 251 people abducted by Hamas in its Oct. 7, 2023, attack. His hand was blown off by a grenade before he was dragged into Gaza and eventually into the militant group’s labyrinth of tunnels.

The war sparked by the attack led to the killing of over 70,000 Palestinians and the destruction of much of Gaza before a ceasefire deal in October led to the release of all the remaining hostages. Hersh had been killed, along with five other hostages, more than a year earlier.

Rachel had campaigned tirelessly for her son’s release, appearing in countless media interviews, meeting with then-President Joe Biden and addressing the Democratic National Convention. She also joined mass protests in Israel accusing the government of failing to reach a deal sooner.

Her son was among the best-known hostages. Posters and graffiti with his name and face still appear across the country, often bearing the line popularized by Frankl.

In her memoir, Rachel takes care not to mythologize him. She notes that he picked his scabs as a kid and was bad at doing dishes.

“Hersh has become a symbol to many,” Goldberg-Polin writes in the book. “I don’t know what to do with that. But it’s OK. If people need Hersh to be something, he will be that. That is the essence of service, being what is needed.”

Rachel grew up in Chicago and moved to Israel with her husband and three children when Hersh, the oldest, was 6. She tells stories from the “before time”: of how Hersh as a child would wow people with his encyclopedic knowledge of U.S. presidents, and how he loved Jerusalem's local soccer team and their sister team in Bremen, Germany.

She only briefly touches on his capture and the details of his captivity, which have been widely reported. She writes about their desperate search for information in the chaotic and terrifying days after the attack, their long fight for his release and the news of Hersh's killing, along with five others, after 328 days.

The book is mostly a “very raw, peeled, oozing, throbbing pain,” Goldberg-Polin said. She describes “hundreds of sodden days dripping with anguish.”

“The book really started just as a way of taking this tremendous weight of suffering that was causing my soul to buckle,” she said in an interview in Jerusalem.

The writing came out in bursts, without a plan for a final project, just a question of “How do I survive the next 15 minutes?” she said.

The book emerged in part from her frustration when people asked how she was. “I think, ‘Well, do you not see this dagger sticking out of my chest at my heart? How can you possibly be asking me that?’” she said. “But I realized they don’t see it. And it’s not because they’re mean or insensitive. They simply don’t see it.”

“Someone who’s born blind doesn’t know what blue is, and it’s very difficult to describe blue to someone who’s blind. But I’m desperate for people to see my blue, and I’m yearning for people to feel my pain,” she said.

Then there were those who wanted to share their own stories of death and loss, even during her son’s shiva, the traditional Jewish week of mourning after the funeral. It’s an experience that she describes as overwhelming and eye-opening, revealing the “surplus of suffering” in the world.

“They’re not trying to comfort me, they’re saying: ‘Let me stand next to you and we’ll be in this together,’” she said.

During the campaign to release the hostages, one of Rachel’s mantras was “Hope is mandatory,” even when it felt impossible. Now, wherever they go, people ask her and her husband for a bit of their creased and crumpled hope.

She has no easy answers, as she tells Hersh in a letter addressed to her dead son near the end of the book.

“I will carry your why,” she writes. “I'll do it, I’ll carry your why around the world.”

FILE - Jon Polin, left, and Rachel Goldberg, parents of Hersh Goldberg-Polin, pictured on screen speak during the Democratic National Convention Wednesday, Aug. 21, 2024, in Chicago. (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite, File)

FILE - Friends and supporters of Israeli-American hostage Hersh Goldberg-Polin, who was kidnapped to the Gaza Strip on Oct. 7, 2023, protest outside of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu's residence to demand a deal for the immediate release of all hostages, after Hamas released a video of Goldberg-Polin, in Jerusalem, Wednesday, April 24, 2024. (AP Photo/Maya Alleruzzo, File)

FILE - Jonathan Polin and Rachel Goldberg, parents of Israeli-American hostage Hersh Goldberg-Polin, who was killed in Hamas captivity in the Gaza Strip, attend their son's funeral in Jerusalem, Monday, Sept. 2, 2024. (Gil Cohen-Magen/Pool via AP, File)

Rachel Goldberg-Polin, whose 23-year-old son, Hersh, was kidnapped on Oct. 7, 2023 Hamas cross border attack on Israel and killed in Gaza nearly a year later, poses for a photo in Jerusalem, Wednesday, April 15, 2026. (AP Photo/Ohad Zwigenberg)

Rachel Goldberg-Polin, whose 23-year-old son, Hersh, was kidnapped on Oct. 7, 2023 Hamas cross border attack on Israel and killed in Gaza nearly a year later, poses for a photo with her new book "When We See You Again," in Jerusalem, Wednesday, April 15, 2026. (AP Photo/Ohad Zwigenberg)

WASHINGTON (AP) — Democratic Rep. Sheila Cherfilus-McCormick of Florida resigned on Tuesday moments before a hearing was to begin to consider what punishment to recommend after a House ethics panel found she had committed numerous campaign finance and reporting violations.

The congresswoman was facing the possible threat of expulsion, something that has only occurred six times in the history of the House. Support from her own party was increasingly in doubt.

In a statement, Cherfilus-McCormick said her resignation was “effective immediately.”

“But let me say this plainly: we should be very careful about the precedent we are setting in this country, we do not punish people before due process is complete," she said. "We do not allow allegations alone to override the will of the people. That is a dangerous patch, and one that should concern every American, regardless of party.”

The committee had previously determined she committed 25 violations of House rules and ethical standards, including breaking campaign finance laws.

She is also facing federal criminal charges accusing her of stealing $5 million in federal disaster funds and using the money to buy items such as a 3-carat yellow diamond ring.

Cherfilus-McCormick has pleaded not guilty to the criminal charges and says she is not guilty of ethics violations, either.

The allegations against the congresswoman center on how she received millions of dollars from her family’s health care business after Florida mistakenly overpaid the business by roughly $5 million with COVID-19 disaster relief funds. She is accused of using that money to fund her 2022 congressional campaign through a network of businesses and family members.

Cherfilus-McCormick declined to testify during a previous Ethics Committee hearing, citing her Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination. Her attorney, William Barzee, sparred with some of the lawmakers and argued that they should have allowed a thorough ethics trial, at which he could present witnesses and evidence to counter the conclusions of House investigators.

A group of supporters in Cherfilus-McCormick's congressional district had weighed in on her behalf with the lawmakers who lead the Ethics Committee, urging committee leaders to proceed with caution.

“Our communities deserve stability. Our voices deserve to be heard. And our right to representation must be protected,” said one of the letters sent to the committee signed by about a dozen local faith leaders, union officials and others.

In all, the panel's two-year investigation led to the issuance of 59 subpoenas, 28 witness interviews and a review of more than 33,000 pages of documents.

Rep. Greg Steube, a Florida Republican, had said he would move to expel Cherfilus-McCormick once the Ethics Committee made a determination on what punishment it would recommend.

That move could in turn have prompted Democrats to seek the expulsion of Rep. Cory Mills, a Florida Republican who is the subject of a wide-ranging investigation by the Ethics Committee that includes whether he violated campaign finance laws, misused congressional resources and engaged in sexual misconduct or dating violence. That investigation is ongoing. Mills has denied any wrongdoing.

The focus on lawmaker wrongdoing comes just one week after two lawmakers resigned during ethics investigations into alleged sexual misconduct. Democratic Rep. Eric Swalwell of California and Republican Rep. Tony Gonzales of Texas headed off possible expulsion votes with their resignations.

House Democratic leaders had declined to condemn Cherfilus-McCormick, saying they wanted to see the ethics process play out. Potential punishments included a reprimand or a censure, which serve as forms of public rebuke. The committee could also have recommended a fine. The most severe form of punishment was expulsion, but the House has historically been reluctant to serve as the final arbiter of a lawmaker’s career, preferring to give that final say to the voters.

Only six members of the House have been expelled. The first three fought for the Confederacy during the Civil War and were expelled for disloyalty. The next two had been convicted of crimes. The final one was George Santos, the scandal-plagued freshman who was the subject of a blistering ethics report on his conduct as well as federal indictment. Santos, a New York Republican, served time in prison for ripping off his campaign donors before President Donald Trump granted him clemency, and he has apologized to his former constituents.

Under the Constitution, at least two-thirds of the House has to vote for expulsion for it to occur, a high threshold that requires enormous bipartisan support.

House Speaker Mike Johnson, R-La., told reporters last week he believed the House would move to expel Cherfilus-McCormick.

“The facts are indisputable at this point, and so I believe it’ll be the consensus of this body that she should be expelled,” Johnson said.

FILE - Rep. Sheila Cherfilus-McCormick, D-Fla., condemns hate speech and misinformation about Haitian immigrants, at the Capitol in Washington, Sept. 20, 2024. (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite, File)